Here’s an observation that might seem insightful to some and obvious to others. When you meet someone for the first time, there’s a strong disconnect. It doesn’t matter how long or deep the conversation is, you don’t feel like you know the person. You can’t be yourself around them.

But when you meet them the second time, there’s a subtle sense of familiarity. You still don’t know them, but it starts to feel like you do. It’s easier to smile at them. You can be a bit more of yourself now.

Third, forth, fifth time, you cross the threshold of unfamiliarity. Even if you don’t have much information, you feel like you know a lot about them. That’s when a connection begins to forge. You’re comfortable around them. And depending on the context of the relationship, you can completely let go of the image you created and be yourself.

Why does it happen? Why is it that only on subsequent meetings the relationship gets better? The information exchange is the same. The time spent together is same. Then what magic does frequency do to make you more and more familiar with the person?

Well I think the answer lies in the gap, the space, the breathing room in between the meetings. When you’re engaged in the conversation, you’re thinking and behaving very actively because it’s a new situation. But when you’re away, your mind gets a chance to extract the highlights of the interaction and embed them into your subconscious. Their face, their expressions and body language, the words exchanged, all of this gets stored in pieces somewhere deep within.

So when you see them the next time, you don’t just have information about them in your memory, you actually know them. This is unlikely to happen in the first meeting because your subconscious is empty. Top level memory doesn’t do a good job at giving you that sense of familiarity.

With every subsequent interaction (and the gaps in between), you store more and more of them into your permanent storage and you’re able to connect with them.

What’s interesting is that this phenomenon can be observed everywhere. Sometimes going for a walk solves the problem that hours of wrestling could not. We often hear “Let me sleep over it” when an important decision is in question. You can’t memorize a lesson by chanting it for one day, you’d need to come back to it again and again at regular intervals.

When in breathing room, the brain functions differently. You’re not thinking of anything in particular, but you’re always thinking. Your thoughts don’t have any structure, logic, or pattern to them. You think in abstract terms. The details, and the whole picture, both are in front of you at once. So the missing pieces to the puzzle are put in place, without you being aware. When you come back to the problem or decision, you just know the answer.

This dance between intense activity and periods of stillness is what leads to long term rewards. Whether it’s learning a new concept, solving a difficult problem, taking the right decision, or cultivating a relationship. You need to act, yes, but you also need to step back and breathe.

🤔 Makes me wonder

Maybe a year ago, I watched Rockstar. The movie starts with this quote and ends with it. The story also revolves around the quote and at one point, they actually depict this field visually. Beautiful scene, beautiful movie.

I looked up and found other quotes by Rumi. He’s truly eccentric! I think you’ll like them, read here:

💭 Aphorisms

I wonder if this piece made even the slightest bit of sense. Either way, you can let me know by replying to this email or commenting on the website :)

I’ll talk next week,
Aachman